It’s difficult when you’re just someone who’s not outstanding in anything but only borderline in everything that you do. There is a constant battle in your mind trying to be above average in something that defines you. Today, I think we all are just doing what others are also doing to fit in and be at least enough for yourself. I don’t know if I’m enough for myself yet or not. How do you gauge that? Do we need manifestations of our achievements or counselling from our therapists? The point is we don’t know. Being enough is a positive vibrant feeling when you wake up and don’t crib about the 20 things that are going wrong, blindsiding the 80 great things that are happening simultaneously.
We let happiness slip away by constantly thinking about all the possible things that can possibly go wrong if for once we became happy. Isn’t it strange how we are afraid to lose happiness than being happy for a moment. I’ve always refrained from living in present in the pursuit of a happy future but guess what no one told me that all our present accounts for the future that we are chasing after. And while we are busy losing our vast present, no one warned us about neither loving too much nor loving too less. That’s how things get more messed up as you’re already blowing it up all along. Trying to keep the sanity between brain and heart, we fall in the trap of self-pity and not being enough.
For a fact, I know that these thoughts or voices are always in our head. So rooted that nothing can probably take them off. We all speak to ourselves in our head pretty much all the time. That’s the quickest therapy or truth unmasking zone. You know that you end up probably hating yourself more, that’s how far we can go. At least it’s better than bleeding your thoughts in front of someone who’s not in that insane stability to understand you. I don’t know if it’s just me or anyone in that case who finds it way too hard to open up to people. Even the thought of sharing something is so controlled that you don’t know if you actually want to say or not. The impending uncertainty of them not understanding looms over you and you either end up fucking it up or just fucking it up really bad. That’s the reason why most of us just wants to be high because if sanity drives you insane then what’s the whole point of being sane. Have you ever tried speaking your heart out to someone about anything when you were sober? Or have you unintentionally spoken your heart out to someone under the influence of intoxication? Did you just see the difference, you know what I’m talking about already. Denial & and self-blaming are easy closures for our mind than opening up and actually letting people know your thoughts. And amidst all of this drama in our mind, do we know why are we like this? Perhaps, we are thinking about our endings to be happy just as in any utopic rom-coms. That’s utterly not life! While everyone is thinking about their happy endings, I’m struggling to at least find a happy start and I’m even scared for a happy start because I will lose it too. That is the voice inside my head , holds me back for anything I want to do, literally anything.
I don’t wanna be left
In this war tonight
Am I alone in this fight?
Is anybody out there?
If you feel the way I feel
Like you’ve been talking to yourself
Well this one’s for everyone who’s felt invisible
Lonely in a crowded room
Searching for someone like you
Can’t do it all alone
Most of us have definitely played and replayed this song in our heads. And certainly we have felt that all the times we were/are just fighting alone because we are actually fighting with ourselves and no one else. In such times, a warm smile can always help. Look around, we have amazing people who love us no matter what. Let’s not rule them out. They’re like those sticky rice you can’t have enough. All it takes it to break-free the cocoon of self inflicting pain and seek help.
We all have such muddled up voices in our head overpowering us most of the time. Sometimes we don’t even realise how we become prisoner of our own thoughts. Have you ever wished if your brain just stopped for a sec and all you do in that relieving second will be float in the vast emptiness of nothing, no hard/tough/sweet/happy thoughts attacking you like meteor shower. Wow! That will be something to look forward to…